Adrift in recovery...
Today is day 23 without alcohol. Not that I was drinking daily like in my "glory days," but if I did drink it would often turn into a binge or at least more than I initially intended. Self-control when it comes to substances has never been a strength of mine. But I figured if I am ever going to overcome this debilitating (wow it took me some time to spell this right) depression, anxiety, bipolar2 or whatever you want to call it, and if I really want to optimize the medication I am on, I should probably not be plying myself with alcoholic depressants any longer. I've still visited a bar a time or two and ordered a non-alcoholic beer. It seems to fulfill the itch and make me realize I'm not missing much. Hanging out in bars sober is a lot less interesting and fun than participating in the drink is. I've never been the kind of alcoholic solely addicted to the booze (never experienced withdrawals or anything) and beer has tended to mainly be my poison of choice over the years. I think that helped me to avoid the worst of it. My liver still tests totally fine despite years of heavy boozing. I guess I'm lucky in a way. But with the lack of bars, I find myself pretty isolated and alone here in a city I've lived in for a little over two months. How do I find another way to make friends? I know I could volunteer and I'm trying to work up the motivation and courage to do so. Trying to get my head on straight.
Today is also day 3 of trying to quit weed. As I've dialed back on alcohol, weed rushed to fill the void. At first I thought it was a much less harmful thing to get lost in and make my day a little brighter. You don't wake up with hangovers. But I've come to the conclusion that weed is even worse than alcohol in some respects. It completely demotivates you and makes you a little too comfortable marinating in your own shit. Not good for someone trying to snap out of a funk and become more present in the world and capable. Not good for being poor, or for a job search, or for improving mental health. You become dependent on the weed to elevate your mood and your receptors, and then after the high is done you feel so flat, so very flat. Everything seems dull and lifeless. So you crave the weed again to chase the spark. And it becomes a vicious pattern. It's not good. I hate that here in California there are dispensaries everywhere and cannabis is a huge industry and big thing. Seems like just another poison to neuter us and keep us pacified.
When I began this blog I was in the midst of the worst manic episode I've experienced in years. It has been a lot harder to write in the dominant depressed phase of bipolar2, but I need to try. I hope giving up the substances will assist in this endeavor. I hope I can continue to lay off the substances first of all. I mean it's only day 23 and day 3. The latter is really not that impressive yet, but it's a start. I will keep going. I need to.