Lost in Oakland
I just feel so alone. And I don't know how to extract myself from this void I crawled into. A void where life is just flat, deflated, persistent in its meaninglessness. And there's no spark. Sometimes a sip of alcohol or a good hitting edible brings some color and flavor but it's just a peak at a fantasy and nothing grounded in reality. Substances might show you things, but they also prevent you from getting where you need to go. It's just a tease. And for many it's a path to the grave.
I spoke with a substance abuse specialist for the first time today. At age 45. I just don't know who I would be or what I would do without them. I really don't do anything, so without them, it feels like it is going to be a complete nothing. Of course I do things - I walk around the lake, I take my dog to dog parks, I go with my wife to things, I mask up and play the part of a living, breathing human.
But it just all feels cold. I need to pick a hobby or an activity and just force myself to do it no matter how disinterested I am. I need to d something. Actually go out and volunteer. Find someone to talk to. Engage in something positive. Or just maybe watch a movie and don't look at the phone.
I'm afraid it's been months, and maybe even a couple of years of just a suspended state of life. Hoping I wake up. Or fail to wake up.
How do I become an active participant again? Where do I begin? I'm afraid. How have I made it to 45 years old? How much more time is left?