May has sprung
It has been a few weeks since I last updated this... whatever it is. It felt so alive a month ago. Of course one month ago I was in the midst of a wild hypomanic episode, amongst the strongest and longest I've ever experienced. That has its pros and cons.
Pros: I was able to do things. Like really do things. No overthinking, no doubting, no throwing up barriers to prevent things or rationalizing via an endless stream of excuses. I just did. Fuck the consequences. That's kind of liberating. To feel free to express, to be able to relate, and to just feel like a fucking human being as opposed to my usual zombie state. I was making plans. Feeling optimistic. Looking forward to life and a future, even if the current conditions of life, both personal and external, seem dire and feel hopeless. I was able to exist for a moment comfortably in my little crevice and feel that was enough. That that little crevice and little existence and small dreams are big enough to make life worth living... and even something EXCITING and positive to go through, NO MATTER what.
Cons: A little too loose and out of control. It felt liberating, for sure, but sometimes I might need to think before I unleash or hit publish or say something to a relative. I guess while you're in that manic state it just doesn't seem to matter, but it's foolish to pretend things don't have consequences, and I need to be willing to accept those if I am going to be a semi-loose cannon. Money burning. God, when you're manic EVERYTHING feels exciting and ANYTHING seems like a possibility. Learning the guitar, writing a novel, producing a synthpop album with no musical experience, dreaming up 10 non-profits, etc. You just have so much energy and ambition flows freely. It's so foreign to me to feel that. And certainly the energy and ambition is a good thing to a certain extent, but it can quickly spiral into something bad.
Maybe I will add more pros and cons later. There are certainly more. But right now I feel like I'm transitioning back into my depressed state. Either that or it's anemia, which sometimes resembles depression. The psychiatrist attempted to get me on an anti-psychotic called Saphris but it just fucked me up so bad. Acute dystonia, cramps all over my body, wild diarrhea which aggravated my anemia and losing blood situation.
Every time I take a step forward it seems like I still end up backwards in the end. How do I change this tune?
I'm just a little sad. Mourning the loss of that hypomanic state and energy and fearing what's to come. I am in a danger zone.